[Anime Musings] My Rocky Relationship with Cowboy Bebop

1998, the year that Cowboy Bebop released, was the first year of a five year bout of complete dissociation for me. I stopped watching Anime. I stopped playing games I knew I would enjoy. I stopped being a person. I stopped remembering myself. I had a trauma happen that I've only recently remembered. I'm 35 now and on my own; I moved away to a different city in 2018 to start my life over and grow again.

The first time I watched the series, I was an almost 20 year old college student studying digital graphics design and game development. My friends at the time pushed me to watch it. My first time watching, I hated it. The main story of Spike Spiegel and his past were just boring, and I didn't care about him as a character; the point just alluded me and people praising it as a masterpiece, "they were delusional and full of it" was my stance. Not too long after I watched it that first time, I suffered a second trauma that was worse than the previous one. It took me years to try again because I forgot again.

Why do I bring this up, you may ask? A common interpretation of what the series stands for: you can keep running from your past but it will eventually catch back up to you and you will need to deal with it to move forward. It took me around 10 watches over 15 years to finally have my aha moment. That happened last year, and I broke down in tears.

I won't be talking much about the traumas I faced; they're not important. This post will be me just talking about my experience with the series and sharing my feelings. There won't be a major direction or flow and editing will be kept to a minimum. Enjoy.

About the Ballad of Fallen Angels and Why I Despised It

Session 5 is considered one of the greatest episodes in any series. It has plenty of action, suspence and a wonderful soundtrack to back up a very specific scene that happens towards the end of it. It's also very dense with many moving parts and quite a bit of Spike Spiegel's backstory revealed all at once.

I feel that my biggest problem with it was partially due to being overloaded on a character that I felt was a bit too much of a clown and somewhat abnoxious. Spike Spiegel was supposed to be a cool character with lots of style and charm. His design came about from many different inspirations and Steve Blum will forever be my preferred casting for him. The first 4 sessions did not sell me on him as a leading man and, despite being primarily a way to introduce the entire main cast (minus Ed who would appear not too long after) and the setting - a mostly scattered galaxy of planets that humanity terraformed and colonized along with several space stations; man made it to space and explored it but also kind of failed on the promise of a new frontier. It's very wild west (and of course bounty hunters are called "cowboys").

Spike Spiegel is the kind of character I wish I could be now that I've grown up and gained life experiences. He's strong willed, mostly good at heart and quick on his feet to deal with pretty much any issue that comes his way.

The introduction of his former life and Vicious, his former partner, both elements still are not my favorite. I don't particularly vibe with the whole previously being a hitman and leaving that life behind schtick in any media; I still can't make my way through most of any of the Godfather films or Goodfellas. Just not my thing.

I felt Vicious was the antithesis to what I viewed a cool character should be and was way too simple of a villain in terms of motivation and purpose in the story. I was also a big fan of Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII (who was probably inspired by the same source that Vicious was since they both used similar weapons and had somewhat similar appearances [to me]). He was like the Boogieman; he would just show up and still things up but not really play a core part of the main story.

Let's Talk About the Clown

Session 20 (Pierrot le Fou) will forever be a triggering session for me. Quite a few fans [in the communities I spend time in] enjoy the horror elements and mad action of it. The idea of a killer clown that wears a top hat and carries a Tommy gun was intriguing as a fan of both cheese and horror. His backstory and the way he was dealt with break me hard. If there's one thing I cannot stomach, it's when a character screams for Mommy or children are involved, especially when they're fated to die in "that way".

The direction and overall vibe of that episode is fascinating enough that I will watch it on rewatches. I need to take a break and leave my house afterwards. Running with headphones in and letting my thoughts and feelings out into the road I'm on, that's such a healthy way to let anxiety and troubled thoughts out into the void that is the world.

The Ending and the Film

I know this may be controversial, but I hate how Cowboy Bebop ends. The final two episodes are great in terms of how they are directed and written, the dialogue is on point, and Spike Spiegel facing his past head on, but ending it with a "bang" doesn't affect me in the intended way. He grew on me over the years; now I enjoy his antics substantially more than when I first encountered him. In fact, I love all the Bebop cast. "I'm not going out to die but to finally see if I'm really alive" (paraphrased and possibly misquoted) is such a hero moment line but I don't feel closure in the story. The way his story ends is almost abrupt and still shocks me in all the wrong ways. I'm still unsure why it does but maybe someday I'll wake up and cry about it.

The film, Knocking on Heaven's Door is pure bliss from start to finish. I have no issues with it and will sometimes watch it on its own out of the blue every few years. The main villain seems almost supernatural and would fit in any horror or thriller series well. His motivations don't necessarily vibe with me but Vincent was more of a character than Vicious and the other characters that were introduced all had style and presence. Also, "Knocking on Heaven's Door" is such a jam of a song.

Why Am I More In Favor of the Series Now

I spent Christmas Day to New Years in a hospital in 2017. I still wake up having nightmares about that sometimes even to this day. That next March, I hopped a bus to Austin, Texas, with almost nothing and moved forward with my life. I started being an old school foot courier and have been doing that for most of the time I've been here. Bounty Hunters in the world of Bebop survive only by fulfilling requests and hauling in wanted criminals. They live free but are shackled by not making ends meet at times and the crew of the Bebop often ate beef and bell peppers, hold the beef, for their meals. I can relate and vibe with this so hard now.

Being a foot courier means being out on the streets without normal protection from a vehicle or being able to spend all of your time in a building waiting for deliveries to come it. There are dangerous elements on the street here - homeless people that are desperate to take what you have, drivers that will try to hit you as you cross the street, and the random customer that will pull a gun on you for following their directions in their notes but not thinking you're the one delivering their package. One of the biggest fears I have (that the show directly showed) was the ending of my way of life. There's no guarantee that doing this work will forever keep me with a roof over my head. Bounty hunting in the show seemed to be ending at the end. As I write this, I'm currently getting ready to change into a more traditional form of work for that reason.

Final Thoughts

Cowboy Bebop is still not one of my favorite Anime or one I'd actively recommend to others. There's plenty of other people to do just that on my behalf. Many of the problems I had from my first watch are still issues for me. The series is beautiful regardless, though. It's also one of those series that you don't have to watch every episode to enjoy. I didn't post it here but some episodes I will skip on some rewatches because they don't add anything for me but their exclusion doesn't detract from my experience either.

Thank you for reading my post here. I hope to hear from you soon.