[LOH-160] A losing battle with an already obvious result will only bring disappointment and sadness!

In some talks with my mom, there are times that she will mention about how she badly wants to live more on earth for more 20 years, or maybe more than that. This is also the reason why, every time she finds something on Facebook, like, for example, a shake made of fruit or veggies that is good for some part of the human body or a herbal medicine, she will try those saying that there's no harm in trying them, especially since they all have natural ingredients.

There are times too that I will be just surprised when she drags me to the public market to buy this particular fruit or vegetable, saying that it is good for this and that, and I was like, "Mom, you are reading a lot on Facebook, are you sure that it is really effective as what they said?" But then she will still do what she wants because, as she said, there's no harm in trying because they are just fruits and vegetables (≧▽≦). I mean, there's really no harm, but sometimes the combination of those things she tried is so weird and will taste horrible.

Right now, she's been drinking this combination of turmeric, ginger, onion, and sugar. But it is supposed to be honey, but we can't find that in our area, so she uses sugar as a replacement. This one is for her throat and when she's doing something like this, she will force me to also take it. On the previous one, I can still take it, like that banana, carrot, and orange combination. But on the latest one, I just can't take it, it's weird, maybe in my head it's weird, but I really can't take it, I can't imagine it!

That is also the time she will mention how much she wants to live more, so she wants to have a healthy body to do that. And doing this is the only thing she can do to support her body by putting lots of nutrients and vitamins on her body and by drinking those. I will just be amazed at Mom sometimes because of how eager she wants to live more, even knowing that she can be weak if ever that happens. She actually has a mantra where she will chant it repeatedly: "I am strong! I am strong!"

Seeing Mom be like that, I can't help but compare myself to her. Recently, I've been thinking more about death. Like there are times too that I will talk to myself about, how okay I am if ever I die today. I am ready, and I am even happy to give my remaining lifespan to others just so they can live longer. Especially those people who're sick and have family that will be left alone, especially their kids, if they ever die. It's not like I am suicidal like Dazai, no, I am not. It's just that I think I am already okay with the life I had on earth, so it's okay to die now. See, it's really the opposite of what my mom wants.

I might sound like a depressed person because of how I just normally mention death, but, really, I am not. I am happy, I am content with life, and right now, I am enjoying my life. I may be facing some problems right now, but seriously, it's not like I will die with that. I accepted it a long time ago, and right now, I only have peace of mind with myself.

Now, with the topic I chose today:

Death is inevitable. It is beyond our control to prevent it from happening. What would you do if you learned that your death was imminent? Will you fight for your life to live longer for your loved ones? Or will you keep it to yourself and not be a burden to them and just wait for your time? Explain why?

I want to choose the latter. It is maybe selfish for me, and I may be doing it just for my own benefits, but, believe me when I say that, I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't want to be a cause of stress, pain, and headaches for my family. I don't want to be the reason why they are crying and why there is so much sadness in their eyes.

If I know that my death is coming, I want to die happy. I only want to keep my happy memory and not the sad and crying faces of my family. So, instead of fighting an already obvious result in this battle, I'd rather keep it and wait for my time while also spending my remaining time with them. I think that is much better than fighting more and just prolonging the stress and pain that I might cause to everyone.

I will just accept that it's really my time and that this borrowed life will be taken from me, and maybe it will be given to others this time. I can understand if my parents will be broken if they learn about it, but I am sure that they will also understand the decision I will make. That's just what we are, it is also just a process of acceptance on our part. It'll be hard, but they will move on.

And instead of trying so hard to live more, I'll just use that time to speak to my family mote, eat with them at one table more amd listen to their ranting and some funny stories, and with all that, I will leave the world happy and sad, but content.